Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Is Erotic Romance Harming Your Marriage

I brought this to my blog from Sensual n Secrets, mainly because I didn't want it to get lost - Hope you enjoy the post.

Focus on the family is warning women of Emo-Porn which is not actually pornographic at all but simply soap operas and romance novels which create unrealistic images of attentive and loving husbands:
Loneliness strikes at the heart of both husbands and wives, but tends to plunge deeper into the emotional expanse of women. This is one reason why wives are seduced by “emo-porn,” virtual infidelity that is more emotionally satisfying before it physically pleases. But like salt water, it creates a worsening thirst. With emo-porn, fantasy men perform stunningly between the sheets of conversation, emotional understanding, and emotional dexterity. Most mortal men cannot deliver such behavior, the way men do in soap operas and romance novels. Just as wives rightly complain when compared to the artificially created women of Internet porn, men should complain when compared to the artificial men of daytime television. Interesting, isn’t it, how they have such exciting jobs—no Joe The Plumbers. In the real world where real men burn through a lot of emotional battery life to make a real living, being expected to behave like men who don’t exist is more than wrong. It’s cruel.
Emo-porn creates caricatures in the minds and hearts of wives. Most men just aren’t and cannot be that attentive, especially in marriage where responsibilities to provide weigh heavy upon them. Husbands are quietly deemed unresponsive and uncaring when compared to emotionally dexterous hunks of daytime lore, chat rooms, celebrity rags, and romance novels. Thus a secretive and snowballing form of marital discontent is born and nurtured.
But worse is what they are suggesting. That it's okay for men to come home and be unresponsive and uncaring. Since when is it okay for men to come home for work and ignore their family. What part of being a family does that include. Both men and women have responsibilities. Men are not any more emotionally drained at the end of the day then women. Life is hard no matter your sex.

You can live in the "life is hard" land of excuses or focus on what's really the problem. Do you need medication for depression? Are you sick? Do you need to change jobs or maybe you need to stop focusing so much on yourself. Growing up, my father paid no attention to us kids. Sure, he had to go off to work, but he never built a relationship with us. Building a relationship with your family is more important than anything else.

I don't think I've ever made it a secret that I'm a Christian. I read the bible almost every day. I've studied Martin Luther's commentaries and done so many bible studies I have a box full of old workbooks and then a bookshelf full of them too. So with all of that bible studying and reading I have a basic understanding of what the bible says. No where in the bible does it say it's okay to act like modern man does, coming home from work and ignoring his family, putting his desires first and treating his wife like she's a second class citizen. Women know the difference between fiction and reality. They can understand that it's not going to be perfect every day, but you push through and make a relationship work by paying attention to your spouse.

This part of this article is just an excuse for men to be jerks. Being a jerk is never cool. What is more important, building a life long relationship with your family or ignoring your family? I think Christian teachings like this are doing more damage to new Christians than helping. Idiots publish this pseudo-Christian "rules" junk and non-Christians get a very deranged view of what being a Christian is all about. Real women who have brains know that marriage is tough. I've been with my husband for 22 years this October. We've had our ups and down, but I would have to say that erotic romance has strengthened our marriage not made it worse. Unrealistic expectations are made not by fiction books and shows, but by fairy tales made popular in Christian circles that heap expectations upon people that they can never achieve.

There is nothing wrong with reading romance novels. It isn't going to ruin your life. If anything it can give you hope that your marriage can get better. Hope that you can find happiness. Don't succumb to the lies that men are allowed to ignore their family.

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Jacqueline said...

One way to share emotions is to read the same books. I'm afraid most romance, erotic or otherwise, portray some sort of female fantasy land. You couldn't share them with your man, any more than you want to read some of the brain-dead porn that might light his light.
Good news is that there are some books and authors out here for couples to read together, and you can't get better than sharing romance and eroticism as a couple.

Suzanne Graham said...

Yay, Sara! Thanks for this post. I totally agree with you.

From personal experience, reading and writing erom has made my marriage much better. My husband loves that I have taken on this genre. There are many books that we both love to read, and they have helped us suggest new things to each other.

Sure, there are some that I love and he doesn't. He's extremely heterosexual, so none of the M/M floats his boat, but throw an F in there... :D

Fortunately, I am a member of a Christian church led by a priest that knows what I write and supports me. When I mentioned that I was afraid what other church members would think if they learned I write stories with multiple partners, he said, "What? Haven't they ever read the Old Testament?"

Sara York said...

Suzanne, I think few people who read the bible realize what a concubine did or what having 1000 wives meant. People have always been sexual creatures.

Zoey Marcel said...

I don't get that. I have a fantastic marriage and when I read erotic romance I don't pretend I'm the heroine or wish my guy was a billionaire with Goliath strength and endowments. Seriously, I just like to read about love and sex because they are beautiful and exciting. But when all is said and done, there is no other woman I'd rather be and no other man I'd rather be with in fiction or life.
I think it's sad if women compare a decent man to a fantasy character, but if they are married to an uncaring jerk then can you really blame them for wanting to escape?