Pages

Monday, November 14, 2011

How I Lick My Balls - A Story of Schweddy Balls and One Million Angry Moms


Have you heard? Schweddy Balls is out in...Well some stores are carrying the delightful treat, Schweddy Balls, but because One Million Moms got all pissy about the name of the ice cream most stores aren't. I went to the Angry Moms site and read their claim about why they didn't want Schweddy Balls in the stores and their answer was - "The vulgar new flavor has turned something as innocent as ice cream into something repulsive. Not exactly what you want a child asking for at the supermarket." - One Million Moms.com Have to say that the flavor is not vulgar, rather good if you like rum.


Seriously, there are magazines with mostly naked women on the cover at eye level to your tyke when you check out of the store and you're complaining about a super small pint of ice cream that your child is probably not going to notice.

First let's address the issue of why the hell are you buying the expensive stuff for your toddlers? They don't need ice cream in the first place and unless your child is the next Einstein then they can't even read the label and if they can read the label then you already need to be talking to them about sex because if you don't someone else will. And you probably don't want the first conversation you have on the subject to be "Oh my, you're pregnant" or "Oh my, you have what sexually transmitted disease?"

In cartoons, Disney shows, and most definitely on Cartoon Network, sexual innuendo runs rampant. In the school yard and on the streets your kids are already talking about sex if they can read. If you're not talking to your kids about things like Schweddy Balls then someone else is and that other someone else isn't going to instill your values into the conversation.

I'm not just talking about lecturing kids. I'm talking about laughing with them over sexual jokes. *Gasp* Yes, I went there. Your kids are already making sexual jokes. They may not understand it but away from you, your little fourth grader is standing on the basketball court making a basket and yelling out "Wow, that was orgasmic." WTF - The kid doesn't even know what orgasmic really feels like or what to do with an orgasm and here they are talking sex. If you can't be silly and have fun about sexual topics with your kids then once your child has questions about sex where are they going to turn? To the person who makes them severely uncomfortable about sex or the kid down the street they've been laughing about sex with for the last ten years.

If you don't make sex a comfortable subject in your family then your child will talk sex with a person outside of your family who makes sex a comfortable subject.

Now the next issue. The Schweddy Balls skit from Saturday Night Live is funny, not disgusting. I can see why a lesbian might find Schweddy Balls disgusting, they just don't go there. But if you are a heterosexual female and you're a mom you've had your hand on some schweddy balls and if you haven't then why not? You should have explored your husband so throughly that you know how many hairs he has coming out of his butt crack. Sex is fun and exciting and should be enjoyed. And if you're a man, well you've had schweddy balls before so you're used to them.

Throw a little sexual foreplay into your dinning routine and actually have fun. There's too much seriousness in life already. Get rid of your stuck up prudish ways and learn to laugh. Marriages don't end because the wife wasn't prudish enough, they end because too many women think sex is gross. Sex is beautiful. Sure, you may get a little sweaty and you might have some Schweddy Balls to deal with but having sex brings you closer to your spouse. Learning to laugh about silly jokes like Schweddy Balls lightens your marriage so you can get through the tough stuff.

And the third thing I wanted to talk about is that the world doesn't exist so your child can have a Pollyannaish existence. If you don't want your child to see something or do something then don't bring it into your house. You don't like a certain TV network, then get rid of cable. If you just whined about *but then I can't watch The Real House Wives of Blah Town* then you need a reality check. It's not up to the world to grant your wishes about how you think everything should be run. If you don't want it in your house then you, yes you, should keep it out of your house. Don't make the rest of us suffer without Schweddy Balls because you've got a bee in your bonnet and you can't stand the fact that someone else is having fun and you're not.

After going to four grocery stores in our city I finally drove twenty miles to the Ben and Jerry's store to get Schweddy Balls. Then we as a family watched the Schweddy Balls skit and laughed so hard we cried. Why, because I want my teens to be comfortable talking about sex to me and because it was all day foreplay with my husband, texting him about my quest for Schweddy Balls and then before bed we had awesome sex that we'll be talking about for years.

I wish instead of the prudish one million moms trying to ruin the fun for everyone we could get one million moms who want to show their kids a balanced approach to life. One million moms who know that having fun isn't a detriment to their family but a fulfilling way to live. Stand up for fun, sex and Schweddy Balls.

I'm part of the Hot Angels and Cool Demons Blog Tour. Check it out and see more of my devilish side.

19 comments:

Marianne Strnad said...

Go girl!!! I went to my local Safeway and filled out one of those request cards because DUH-THE FLAVOR SOUNDED AMAZING - get a clue!!! And so began the wait. And I waited. And waited. Zzz...then I finally got a message on my cell phone. They wanted to acknowledge my request and said something about speaking to the buyer, blah blah blah. Well, so far Schweddy Ball Ice Cream a la B & J's has yet to make an appearance. Thanks for nuthin'...beeotches-lol!

Ciara Ballintyne said...

You've made me regret that we don't have Schweddy Balls in Australia.

But you're right on. A few years ago there was a segment on the news - mothers complaining about sex education being taught to 11 year olds. Hello, do you know what age kids start having sex? for that matter, do you know what age girls start menstruating? It's a little late to be having that conversation AFTER she starts. I had the sex-ed class when I was 11 and I never had an unplanned pregnancy, so you know what, maybe it works (provided said contraception is paired with a reasonable set of brains
). Parents can't stop their kids having sex. they will find a way. What parents can do is make sure they are educated and YES comfortable enough to go to their parents with problems. That way maybe you can have a conversation BEFORE you get to the pregnant/STD stage.

Btw I was watching looney tunes the other day and not only was there a sexual reference (apparently Speedy Gonzales knows EVERYONE'S sister *wink wink*) but I swear that duck snorted cocaine!

Sara York said...

OMG Ciara, a cocaine snorting duck...Yeah, your kids know about Schweddy balls and other things.

Marianne, maybe you can find a B&J store eventually and enjoy some Schweddy Balls

Amberr Meadows said...

I had no clue what Shweddy Balls was, and now I want a quart of my own.

If costume makers can dress up kids like strumpets for Halloween costume advertising, I'm a little Shweddy Balls ice cream won't hurt anything. Angry moms need to get over it. Tired of their self-righteous prattle, anyway.

Love the post ;-)

KarennaC said...

It's a silly name for an ice cream flavor, just like all the other silly names Ben & Jerry's has become known for over the years. Honestly, I personally wouldn't be comfortable with asking for it, or having my kids ask for it, but that doesn't mean I believe no one should be able to have the evil, corrupting ice cream.

Yeah, it's as ridiculous as it sounds...

Erika said...

Awesome! and so true. I mean really. All up in arms over Ice Cream when the tabloids are far, far worse and are visual representations of what is wrong with our society, but name ice cream something funny and....

Nice rant. I enjoyed it.

Heaven Liegh said...

This is without a doubt the best blog post I have ever read! It was informative and hilarious.Who cares about Sweddy Balls. I'll be worried when they come out with a Frumunda Cheez-It

Sara York said...

Heaven - Snort - I'm so glad you enjoyed it.

Erika, sad that people are getting so mad over ice cream.

Karenna, it is a silly name. Way to silly to get upset over.

Kellie Kamryn said...

OMG!!!! This post made me laugh so hard. I am very open with my kids when it comes to discussing sex - age appropriate for them of course - and I do make jokes with my older ones about stuff, like "balls", and "sticks" because it is funny!! You are so right that if parents don't think they're kids are picking stuff in other areas of their life they better get themselves out from whatever rock they're living under. I want my kids learning about sex from me - not their friends or someone else. I never understand why parents balk at sex education in schools. If every parent actually taught their children about it, there wouldn't be a need for it.

Thanks for your candidness, and I loved your saucy pictures!

Sara York said...

Kellie, sometimes you just have to get saucy. And kids know about sex. They are having it even if it is just jacking off with each other.

Davee said...

LOOOOOVE it, and LOOOOOVE the pictures! Wonderful post! Thank you for making this Mundane Monday bearable. muahhh!

LunaEllaAldora said...

Great post Sara. I was laughing so hard! My toddler has started getting in people's faces and planting sloppy kisses all over them, even lips.

At first the kissing was cute and silly. Then it got annoying. It became a teachable moment about personal space and appropriate contact.

She now knows to put up her hand in front of her face if someone gets in her space and she feels uncomfortable with it and tell them no and then tell Mommy.

I assured her it's okay for her pets to still kiss her. It could all be from her sloppy kisses the dogs give her, but can never be too careful and never too soon to teach safety or important stuff in life to our children.

~Luna

LunaEllaAldora said...

Great post Sara. I was laughing so hard! My toddler has started getting in people's faces and planting sloppy kisses all over them, even lips.

At first the kissing was cute and silly. Then it got annoying. It became a teachable moment about personal space and appropriate contact.

She now knows to put up her hand in front of her face if someone gets in her space and she feels uncomfortable with it and tell them no and then tell Mommy.

I assured her it's okay for her pets to still kiss her. It could all be from her sloppy kisses the dogs give her, but can never be too careful and never too soon to teach safety or important stuff in life to our children.

~Luna

LunaEllaAldora said...

Your teens are very lucky to have such an open relationship with you. I was lucky also growing up in a very open-minded and communicative household and never hesitated talking to my Mom (more than Dad) about anything. My Mom was the one mine and my siblings' friends always turned to when their own parents were turning a blind eye to their growth and insecurities.

I hope to nurture that amount of love and respect with my own children. Bravo for you!

Sara York said...

Hey Davee, glad you liked it.

Luna, kids are so funny. They just don't understand personal space issues.

DaVinciKittie said...

Hah, love it! Great article and fun pictures. =)

Shari said...

Amen! I am SO with you on this. Mom of three extremely knowledgeable children. Ages 15,12, and 7
They all want some schweddy balls:)

Blondie Babs said...

I dated a guy who had little girls, I overheard the 5 year old and 9 year old having a conversation that the older one was going to have sex when she was 10... the parents refused to talk to them because they were "too young"... I completely agree that if you don't talk to your kids someone else will, and they are probably already talking about it themselves. Much to everyone's dismay I gave them the sex talk myself, yes including the 5yo, her older sister was already exposing her to it, it was only the responsible thing to do. I haven't tried the icecream but I love schweddy balls. =D

Jason said...

Great job Sara, my 8 and 9 year old's came home from school wanting to know what sex was just the other day. Oddly enough, we talked about it, but didn't make a 'big deal' about it and that was that. Wish more people felt like you do.