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Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Shhh, we're talking about the M word...Masturbation


Masturbation – Self Love – Pulling the Wanker – Petting the Cat


What ever you call it masturbation is a part of life. Some people call it a sin other’s think it’s dirty. “You’ll grow hair on your palms.” or “You’ll go blind” Remember those lies? For some strange reason some Christian pastors think masturbation is a form of homosexuality. Comparing masturbation to homosexuality is a huge stretch and totally wrong. And now since I’ve brought up homosexuality I have to pull out one of my favorite Jerry Seinfeld lines – Not that there’s anything wrong with that – the homosexuality of course, not the other junk about Christian pastors.

If you masturbate you aren’t homosexual. Guys stroking off in front of a mirror, pulling their meat and watching their body react isn’t homosexual behavior. Girls slipping their fingers in their underwear, sliding their thumb against their clit and feeling it grow hard between their fingers, there’s nothing homosexual about that.

Most men think of women when they are masturbating. If a variant image of a man pops into their head while they are all plumped up with nowhere to go but in their own hand that isn’t homosexuality either.

Of course anyone who knows me knows that I’m all fine with two guys stripping naked, pelvis to pelvis, hard cock to hard cock, their lips come together tentatively at first then hungrily as they plunder each other’s mouths, sucking and nipping as they take and give of their bodies. Slowly one of them drops to his knees and smiles up at the other then his tongue darts out, flicking the end of....Well you get the picture. Now if you’re ready to masturbate over that scene, great. If you’re a heterosexual male or a lesbian I’m sorry, I’m just not good at doing female on female action.

So why is masturbation seen so negatively. For some reason people still see self-pleasure as a negative activity. People feel guilty if they masturbate. They think that they are defective or have something wrong with them. None of that is true.

I know I’m going to piss people off when I say this, but God doesn’t care if you masturbate. People will toss out ridiculous bible quotes that are taken in the wrong context. Masturbate if you will, but God doesn’t care.

It’s none of your mother or father’s business if you masturbate. Don’t spooge all over their furniture but your parents/grandparent or others in the line of ancestry shouldn’t care about your self-love and if they do, tough cookies for them.

So how do you talk to your kids about masturbation? If you have kids eventually you are going to have to bring up the subject. First off never make them feel like there is something wrong with them if they masturbate. If you watch any popular media or listen to the radio your kids have heard the word. Might as well get used to the idea of saying those words in front of them. Say it out loud now --Masturbation- If you're in a coffee shop just don't say it too loud, the other patrons might look at your funny.

Like I said, if your kids are older than 3rd grade and have watched TV or even left the house then they have heard the word. What do you want them to know about masturbation? If you're reading this and think masturbation is wrong I don't know what to say. Please seek counseling. Masturbation is a part of growing up. Masturbation is cheap, easy and won't get you sick. Nowhere in the bible does it say masturbation is a sin. It does say don't whack off and go to church without cleaning up. I mean come on, who wants to smell fresh spunk at church.

Your kids are going to do it anyways and who do you want them talking to about sex? Crazy Freddie from gym class or you? Crazy Freddie can hook them up with some sweet stuff but you can help them grow up with a healthy attitude towards sex. 

Some people masturbate to images or movies. Other’s like a little action with another person and masturbate in groups or on chat lines. Some people have active imaginations and just go at it because of their thoughts.

If you’ve never masturbated and you want to try then move to a private room sit back and relax. Touch yourself and see what you come up with. I guarantee it will be a good time.

Masturbation has been around since the dawn of time so I’ve included a great scene from the movie Il Compleanno and listed of a few songs that highlight the glories of masturbation, ending with my favorite Longview by Green Day. So go bite your lip and close your eyes and slip on into paradise.

13. Darling Nikki by Prince
12. Icicle by Tori Amos
11. Coin Operated Boy by The Dresden Dolls
10. Orgasm Addict by the Buzzcocks
9. Dancing With Myself by Billy Idol
8. The Keys to Her Ferrari by Thomas Dolby
7. Turning Japanese by The Vapors
6. All Revved up With No Place to Go by Meat Loaf
5. Epic by Faith No More
4. She Bop by Cindi Lauper
3. I Touch Myself by DiVinyls
2. Blisters in the Sun by The Violent Femmes
1. Longview by Green Day

8 comments:

Luna Ella Aldora said...

Great post Sara! Masturbation is a healthy part of human development.

This has come up in recent discussion lately. Toddler-aged and young children play with themselves all of the time. At that age they are beginning to become aware of their bodies as separate from everything else. They start exploring and getting to know their bodies. It feels good to them and some parents shame their children into being afraid to touch their very own, God-given body because of the "dirtiness" of it. It's a normal thing that can be seen early on.

As a former preschool teacher (and now Mom of a toddler), I can tell you it happens. It's natural. It's not disgusting. Not every child does it, but parents shouldn't freak out if their child does. It's parents/adults who are ashamed or get angry that end up doing the most damage. Our bodies are amazing, sensory vehicles.

Can children overdo it and become obsessed (as teens and grown-ups?) Yes. But the best response to tell a child is that it's okay to do that on their own, by themselves, (reminding them that their private parts are only allowed to be touched by themselves and explain safety rules) but when they are out with company, to please keep their hands to themselves and the wiggling to a minimum.

I hope talking about children and this subject wasn't taboo...but ask any pediatrician or any preschool teacher or parent for that matter about it, and you might just get an earful.

Anonymous said...

Actually that's exactly what I told my kids. It's fine, I understand it feels good. But it's a private act to be done in a private space.

No shame, completely natural. And healthy.

Sascha Illyvich said...

I guess because I'm male I get a pass. But I never cared anyway. Hell, I used to be an exhibitionist and that had its perks too...late at night.

There is an entire MONTH dedicated to pulling the pud, waxing poetic on the beaver damn, slapping the trouser trout...it's May!

Kellie Kamryn said...

I've talked to my kids about it and told them there's nothing wrong with it. They always ask why people call them "private parts" and I say that only they should touch them, nobody else.
I agree - parents should be the ones to talk about sex and masturbation with their kids, not someone else.

Sara York said...

Sascha, you don't get a pass. I had no idea there was a whole month dedicated to it.

Luna you made a good point. So important to just let them explore on their own without feeling nasty.

Kellie, glad you talked to your kids about it. Very important subject to discuss.

Ranae Rose said...

LOL This post made me giggle at parts. 'God doesn't care if you masterbate.' Amen! I think of God as being a generally nice...er, being. Not some sadistic jerk who sits up in the clouds yukking it up with his angles like, 'Yeah, I created this whole race of creatures with strong sexual urges that are basically impossible and unhealthy to ignore. Then I declared that it would be wrong to do so just so I could sit up here and laugh at them trying to deny their body's natural needs!'

I think some people just like to find things to get mad about. What anyone does in private with their own genitals is their business.

Sara York said...

Ranae, glad you found it so funny. I have to agree with you. Humans are sexual animals.

amybethinverness.com said...

I'm glad that people have healthier attitudes towards this today. I didn't know what masturbation was until well into adulthood. I had no idea "She Bop" was about self-love until my husband explained it to me! And "I'm turning Japanese"!?! OMG, that's news to me! I'll have to go look up the lyrics.

I wish my parents had talked to me about sex. I was brought up fully within the "Good girls don't do that" theme. I do talk to my own kids about it, esp. since my oldest experienced/witnessed sex and abuse when she was still with her birth family. Children deserve to understand their bodies, and learn how to healthily take care of themselves.

On a lighter note... the last story I sent on submission was a masturbation/voyeurism story! :)